The due date for the baby we lost to miscarriage earlier this year was yesterday and I find myself grieving once more. I lost more than the baby. I lost myself. God has been peeling back the layers and revealing who I really am and what my purpose in this life is. I know that he is doing a good work in me refining me for his good purpose but the pruning hurts so terribly much. As I wallowed in my pain today I opened my Bible and he gave me this passage:
Psalm 143—A Psalm of David.
Hear my prayer, O LORD; give ear to my pleas for mercy! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness! Enter not into judgment with your servant, for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead. Therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah.
Answer me quickly, O LORD! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD! I have fled to you for refuge!
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!
For your name’s sake, O LORD, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble! And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.
I pray that though I may suffer that I will glorify him through it all! He upholds me in his hand and never allows more than I can bear. My life is for Him not my own pleasures or desires although he is gracious in allowing many of those. I am to glorify him. And so I say that although he has allowed this pain in my life he has brought me to such a greater understanding of who he is and who I am. He loves me so much that he was unwilling to allow me to continue down the path I was on but pulled me back to himself. What a merciful Father I have that while I am steeped in sin He loves me enough to rescue me and pay the price himself for my salvation. Blessed be his name in all the earth!