The Death of a Dream

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

John 12:24

The last couple of years have been a very refining time in my life. There is something about being in your 40s that makes you face things you have been avoiding. I’m not sure if it is due to age, having teenagers questioning you or what but,  come it does. I have done so much soul searching and wrestling with my ideals trying to discern what is good and what is chaff that needs to be let go of. What is life giving? What is life draining? What do I have choices about? And what do I have to do anyways? I am still processing and refining but I have come to the conclusion that one dream in particular has to be allowed to die.

It is having a homestead.

I had such a beautiful dream of growing a homestead with our family working side by side growing our own food, preserving it, potentially selling it and building this wonderful life. The reality was so different from what I expected. We were all city folk for so long. There are so many things to learn and do. I am so good at learning about ideas but implementing them is something else entirely different. I am a terrible gardener and we didn’t even plant one this year. Milking a cow was less than productive. At this point our 40 plus chickens barely give us enough eggs for the day much less having some for others. Our fences can’t contain our cows. We just can’t do it all anymore. Does this mean we are going to move? No. Are we going to get rid of all of the animals? No. Am I going to have another garden? I’m not sure. Have I learned from our experiences the last 6 years? Absolutely!

We absolutely love living in Montana! We love having a huge yard with trees and animals that the kids can enjoy and have meaningful work taking care of it. We love having a wood stove and fireplace to warm our home. I still enjoy canning and preserving good food for the future. I still want our home to be the center of our lives. To be a warm and inviting place to settle in for a good meal and wonderful conversations.

Sometimes one thing has to die so a new thing can grow in its place.

Writing has always been a part of my desires since I was a little girl. I have neglected it the past few years and my soul feels the weight of that. I have lost my voice. I am trying to find it once again. I feel the stirrings of life once again. I hope you will continue to join me in this journey of life as I share my words about the life I live as a wife and a mother of eight looking for my own voice and sharing in grace from our heavenly Father. I hope to share with you what I am learning along the way, what I am reading and what I am cooking in hopes that it can help you in your journey.

Have you had to let a dream die? What grew in its place?



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