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mamakay

managing a household of 10 by the grace of God

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babies

Life and Loss

November 6, 2017 by mamakay 5 Comments

*Content Warning: This post contains a personal description of a miscarriage

I sit here looking out the window on this cold snowy day thankful for the quietness the snow brings and the warmth from my fireplace. I’m feeling a little better than the last few days but when I try to push to hard my body tells me in no uncertain terms that I am not ready to move on quite yet. You see, I just lost a baby over the weekend. I want to just hide and close in but I sense that God is telling me that only through pushing past the hurt and sharing my pain can I truly be healed and he can use me to comfort others. I think it is so hard to let others into our pain. I feel so vulnerable. But when I don’t I feel so isolated and find myself spiraling in despair. It is only within true community that we allow ourselves to be cared for and the healing comes so much quicker.

This isn’t my first time. In fact, it is my third. I have hid in my grief and I have shared my grief. And I’m here to tell you that although it is ever so hard when I have shared my grief the load has been lightened. Both physically with people offering what assistance they can and emotionally being able to be prayed for and uplifted by others and as well as just the tenderness of a hug and extra kindness extended.

It’s so odd to me as I process this pregnancy. I was hesitant to share our joy of a new baby for fear of what people would say. I’m over 40 now and we already have 8 children and people have so many opinions about such things. Honestly, we thought we were done. I am getting older and this was the longest we had ever gone without getting pregnant. It was quite an adjustment of my thinking to add another one to our family when our oldest turns 19 this month. But we have always trusted that God knows what our family should look like and have faith that as the Creator of all life we are willing to follow what he has in store for us. We told very few people that we were expecting.

And then after just getting cleared by the doctor the night before to go ahead and use a midwife again I started bleeding Friday morning.  It was just a little bit but I knew this was a sign of the end. We were 9 weeks along. I was emotionally wrecked. I pretty much spent the entire day crying on and off and told only my husband and my sisters what was going on. My husband was kind enough to take the afternoon off of work so he could attend to the kids while I holed myself up in my room.  He was also such an encouragement to me and held me and cried with me as he was suffering the loss as well. My two year old sweetly hugged me again and again and asked me why I was crying? I tried to check out, reading some fiction to take me to another world. I prayed. I listened to Christy Nockel’s new album, Be Held and ate ice cream and too much Turtle Chex. I was so sad.

On Saturday the emotional pain was less but the physical pain increased. I was bleeding more including small pieces of tissue and had cramps like a bad period. I spent most of the day in bed watching tv with the kids and reading my book. I reached out to a couple more people and a sweet lady from church brought us dinner and some flowers for me.

I woke up early Sunday morning (especially early since time changed over night) with the beginnings of contractions. My husband went to church to teach Bible class and the kids were all home with me sick with sore throats and coughs (because that’s life in a big family this time of year). Thankfully they were content to watch tv.

The contractions intensified just as they do in labor only they aren’t as strong as when I’ve been in labor. Around 10 am I passed the baby and the placenta. The baby was too little and I couldn’t see it among the tissues. I got a hold of my midwife and she told me to watch for a fever and also if I bled enough to fill 2 pads in 30 minutes to get to the emergency room immediately. The bleeding lessened as the day progressed and I haven’t had any complications. The emotions washed over me anew. My husband came right home and held me and I just cried and cried.

During the course of the day I shared my grief with many of those closest to us. They were sweet, provided meals for us, prayed for us and just acknowledged our grief. There really isn’t much that can be done. Just being there for someone means so much. Letting them know they are loved and that its ok to grieve and that someone cares means the world. (And food is always nice especially when there are others in the house that still like to eat even if Mom isn’t feeling up to cooking.)

By evening I felt more like myself and was able to eat dinner with the family and get a shower. I was worn out and was asleep before 9 pm. (Which was good since my little guys needed me in the wee hours. The world doesn’t stop needing us Mamas.)

I plan to take it easy this week and ease back into our normal routines just like I would after having a baby only a little faster. I know that waves of grief will hit me unexpectedly and that it will take a couple of weeks for my body to heal and longer than that for my heart. But healing will come. God is ever so present in the pain and I can feel his presence as He walks through this with me never leaving me alone in the pain. I process through writing and I want you to know that although it hurts, healing does come. It comes in waves, little by little, it changes until the pain is dulled and the thoughts of what may have been give way to what is and although this little life was short it will always be remembered.

We all have trials we must face but let’s share our burdens with one another that the love of Christ can be felt by those around us. I have shared my experience in such detail so that others might know what to expect or might have a little better understanding of what it is like.

These were my experiences, yours will be different. I pray that by sharing we both will feel less alone and will have the strength to carry on come what may.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

 

MamaKay

Filed Under: babies, Faith, self-care

8potato’s Birth Story

January 1, 2015 by mamakay Leave a Comment

 

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Life doesn’t always go the way that we think it will. My pregnancy went so well especially since I am 40 now. I really was not overly miserable and no major complaints just my normal heartburn. I did end up with carpel tunnel which we think the milking brought on so I had to quit milking. Towards the end of my pregnancy the baby did move down low enough that my midwife recommended not lifting anything over 10 pounds and being careful.

After returning from my trip to Arizona my blood pressure was showing a higher lower number than my usual. I run more towards low blood pressure so she had me start monitoring my blood pressure at home with her extra stethoscope and monitor. The reading we were getting indicated that I had a low pulse point. My midwife recommended that we get an ultrasound to make sure the baby was ok. We also got a new blood pressure monitor. We think the low pressure point readings were just from human error.

So on December 16th we had an ultrasound at another midwife’s office. (Now something else you should know…my cycles are not normal. I have never fit the wheel but I track my cycles and have been very accurate in my calculations of due dates based on when I believe we conceived each of our children.) Based on my LMP my due date would have been December 15th but my midwife and I had agreed to a due date of December 30th. Well, the ultrasound showed that I was only at 33 weeks gestation!

Everyone became very concerned that we could have an IUGR baby (Intra Uterine Growth Restricted). My midwife and another midwife there highly recommended we get in to see a doctor to find out what was going on. So on December 18th (our anniversary) we had an appointment with the doctor. Again they found nothing wrong with the baby but they also measured the baby to be 33 weeks. The doctor was convinced that we were just wrong about the due date (he believed we were due between January 15th and February 1st) and scheduled us for followup ultrasounds and baby monitoring every week through January 7th when he said that if everything still looked good he would clear us for a home birth but if I went into labor before that he recommended a hospital birth. There is just no way he could be right about the due date considering when we had a positive pregnancy test and when we heard the heartbeat.

It was such an emotional week! I was a wreck. My husband was going between calm, everything is going to be okay to angry at the doctor who wouldn’t listen to us. On Sunday night my husband and I had a long talk about not wanting to live in fear and just trust that God and my body knew when the time was right for this baby to be born and if it had to happen in the hospital we would just have to work through that. At least my midwife could still act as a doula and be there with us and just maybe we could have proof of growth and the baby would wait until after the 30th in which case our midwife would be willing to deliver us at home. I also ate as many calories as I possibly could this week! Bring on the ice cream!

On Monday, December 22nd I had my weekly midwife appointment. I gained 3 pounds and my midwife could tell that the baby had grown since the week before. We talked about our plans and we both felt pretty good about our plan and told the baby to stay put for another week 🙂

Tuesday, December 23rd my tummy felt like a tight ball the whole day. My midwife thought it was probably just Braxton Hicks and to just take it easy. So I crossed off several of things on my list and just made 1 batch of cookies with the kids, watched a Christmas movie and took a nap. I fell asleep around 9:30 pm that night. I woke up about 12:45 am with heartburn and a contraction. I went to the bathroom and had another contraction, and then another. I downloaded a contraction timing app and kept track until 2 am. I was having contractions about every 5 minutes for about 1 minute. I woke up my husband and then called the midwife. I packed a bag for the hospital and tried to wrap my mind around the idea of having this baby at the hospital (only my first baby was born at the hospital and I was induced with her). My husband was concerned that I was moving faster along than normal but I didn’t think so. I called the midwife to come at his request. By the time she got here at 3:30 am I was in pretty serious labor. She wanted to check me and found I was at 7 cm!! I couldn’t believe it! And I knew we had to leave immediately! (I move very fast from 7 to 10 cm.)

It took us probably 20 minutes to get me to the car through my contractions. Thankfully there wasn’t much traffic. I started to have pushing sensations although I didn’t really realize it at the time. I consciously decided to be alert in the car and not check out (which afterwards I realized was another sign that I already was past transition). When we got to the hospital it took me a great deal of will to take the step over the threshold into the building. (I hear the security guard looked rather worried.)

We signed in the birth center at the hospital at 4:16 am. I gave birth to 8potato at 4:34 am. She was a tiny little baby weighing in at 5 pounds 12 ounces. (My smallest before this was 6 pounds 9 ounces and my last baby was 8 pounds 4 ounces.) She was full term but there were 2 knots in her cord. My midwife is convinced that the knots were the cause of her small size.

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We tried to be nice and respectful but turned down almost everything they wanted us to do at the hospital. The attending doctor was especially disturbed that we refused pitocin after birth for me. My babies always do a great job of nursing and helping my uterus return to its normal size. I didn’t want any extra drugs in my system! It took us 11 hours and signing “Against Medical Advice” documents but we were able to get home by 4 pm on Christmas Eve to share our best Christmas gift ever with her siblings.

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We still aren’t sure if the hospital birth was necessary but we are so grateful for this little doll baby and that she is perfectly healthy. We are sure that she was covered in prayers in that last week before she was born and praise God for his mercy and the love he has shown towards us in this very special gift that is a reminder of the even bigger gift he has bestowed on us with his Son.

MamaKay

Filed Under: babies

An Announcement

July 10, 2014 by mamakay 1 Comment

Boy time flies during the summer! I’ve been busy weeding, spending time with the kids and well napping quite a bit which has superseded my writing time.

You see we are expecting baby #8 near the end of December! We are so excited about this new baby! I’ve learned a lot so far from the pregnancy. For example, I am a great grand multipara! (Which means I have delivered seven or more infants beyond 24 weeks of gestation.) I have gotten to have extra appointments since I am now the dreaded 40 years old! So far all of my tests have shown that I am actually in better shape than my last two babies! I feel strong, just tired and overly emotional. As long as I get my nap I am good to go! I am trying to be diligent about exercising enough to get my heart rate up and eating the best I can. We will see how the rest of this pregnancy goes but I feel so blessed to be carrying another baby and look forward to seeing who God is adding to our family.

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Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
the fruit of the womb a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.

Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!

He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Psalms 127: 3-5

 

Filed Under: babies

6potato …. is a Boy!

October 22, 2009 by mamakay Leave a Comment

We are excited to announce that we now have a baby boy. He was born September 26 at 7:35 pm after 21 hours of labor.

6potato

He was 7 lbs 12 1/2 oz and 20 inches long.

welcome

We had a water birth for the first time and I would definitely do it again!

Big Sisters

His sisters are so excited to have a baby brother!

Proud Papa

And a proud Papa.

Thank you, Lord, for such a wonderful blessing!

Filed Under: babies, God Stops Tagged With: Baby Born, Baby Boy, Baby Brother, Oz, Proud Papa, Water Birth

4potato’s birth story

September 10, 2009 by mamakay Leave a Comment

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4Potato’s Birth Story

4Potato’s arrival was the longest anticipated birth. We thought she was due December 29th but she did not arrive until January 20th.

She was born at 10:12 a.m. Jan 20th after 14 hours of labor. Out of those 14 hours only 2+ hours seemed like hard labor. I went into labor between 7 & 8 p.m. on Wednesday night. We called Paul’s parents over to spend the night after several false calls. I had been feeling like my body was preparing for labor although I hadn’t actually been having contractions yet… Things weren’t too intense but I was definitely in labor. We went to bed for awhile and things picked up around 2 am. We called the midwife to come over. Labor was pretty intense for an hour or so after Donna got here but then let up. So we went back to bed for awhile. I can’t really remember what happened after this. At some point after the sun came up my labor picked back up and I took a shower. Donna checked me afterward and I was at 7 cm as usual. She got ready for the baby’s arrival much earlier this time since 3potato had surprised her. After a couple of pushes we had another beautiful girl at 10:12 am. She weighed 7 lbs and was 21 inches long. Although she was later than we expected the midwife commented that she actually looked early. We were just off on our due date and I was so glad that we waited on God’s timing instead of inducing labor based on our timing.

This poem helped me get through the very long wait for 4potato’s arrival.

Waiting

by Robin Jones Gunn

Dear Baby, here beneath my heart,

I thought that you might come today;

The timing seemed just right.

But the stars are out

And the moon is high

And sheepishly I wonder why

I try to arrange the plans

of God.

For now I know

You will not come

Until the One who holds eternity

Rustles your soft cocoon

And whispers in tones that I will not hear,

“It’s time, precious gift.”

“Now it’s time.”

Filed Under: babies Tagged With: Amp, Array, Beautiful Girl, Birth Story, Cocoon, Contractions, Dear Baby, December 29, Due Date, Eternity, Inducing Labor, January 20, Long Wait, Lt, Midwife, Moon, Parents, Poem, Precious Gift, Preparing For Labor, Pushes, Robin Jones Gunn, Slow And Steady Wins The Race, Steady Wins, Wednesday Night, Whispers

Birth Stories

September 10, 2009 by mamakay Leave a Comment

As I prepare for this new baby it is natural for me to go back and remember our previous birth stories. I thought it would be nice to have them all in one place. I have posted a couple before. Here is a link to 5potato’s story and 2potato’s story.

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Filed Under: babies Tagged With: Birth Stories, New Baby

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So glad you stopped by. I am a Christian wife and mother of 8 in the middle years. My kids are aged 4 to 20 and just about every 2 years in between. I write about our life as a big family, what God is personally doing in my life, food and books.

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